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Sunday, May 9, 2010

To Patch or Not to Patch

I found an old box of hormone replacement patches in the back of the medicine cabinet and was going to throw them out when I paused and looked in the mirror. I caught sight of a coarse new chin hair bursting out from my skin.

As I looked in the mirror, I was overcome with the awareness my female hormones had shriveled up and gone south but now in my hand was a box of replacement hormones which could produce a return of former feminine features!

My thoughts started churning away as to how my life could change if I just opened up one of these babies and slapped it on my belly! I could be a woman again! I could become soft and sultry! I could even wear high heels!!

In my mind I visualized hints of a Michele Pfeifer staring back at me in the mirror. I could see her from the movie “Stardust” where she had been an old crone and then with a hint of magic, she immediately emerged into a raging beauty. Hormones can do that! (Also lots of make up and trick photography, but is not part of this story).

I opened the hormone patch, peeled away the protecting wrap, and slapped that puppy on my dried up skin. I sat at the mirror waiting for things to change. “Come on Michele Pfeiffer! Don’t let me down!” I chanted at my reflection.

After a few minutes of nothing happening, I gave up and left the room. Soon I forgot all about the patch. But later while I was watching a TV program, (“How I Met Your Mother”) I started to cry gallons and gallons of tears during this sitcom comedy.

Yep, those hormones had finally kicked in.

I rushed to a mirror to see if anything else had changed in those few hours besides now having violent mood swings with buckets of tears. No, everything else appeared the same.

In my sobbing I searched for the hormone patch and ripped it off my skin. I knew I could not go through another swinging ride of peaks and valleys of mood swings yet again.

Today I looked in the mirror and noticed yet another new chin hair wanting to come into the limelight. This time I mustered up courage and said out loud, “Welcome you cute little chin hair! Welcome to maturity! You are now a part of who I am."

I then plucked that sucker out and murdered it on the spot.

I still have some standards, ya know.