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Friday, January 22, 2010

Dangers of Bran Cereal

OK, so I tried this new cereal from Trader Joe’s. It looks pretty healthy, and you know how you hear that after you become middle aged you better eat more bran to keep the plumbing working? Well, I caved in. The box looked inviting. It didn't look dangerous nor poisonous. I bought the cereal and gave it a good home.

Yesterday I had it for breakfast. I sat down and munched away knowing my body was appreciating every time I swallowed this healthy stuff.

I went to work and low and behold my gut started to rumble right during an important meeting. I started to see my belly ballooning up and it seemed to fill almost the entire room. We all kept hearing these weird groans that sounded like organ music. I just looked away pretending to not notice. In my mind I couldn't concentrate on the discussion. I kept wishing I had a needle to poke my abdomen to let some air out. I also wished I had never noticed that dang box of cereal.

After the meeting, I waddled down the hall and I could see the look of fear in the faces of my colleagues. Their look said it all. I knew they were wondering if I was going to pop or perhaps start to float away. I sensed their concern about trying to find a sucker who could climb on a ladder to pull me off the ceiling, trembling with each step as he climbed one by one up the rickety office ladder. I secured myself by placing my hands on the walls and slowing moved forward, palm print by palm print, until I reached the bathroom. I stayed in the bathroom until recess.

From now on I don't care if I ever eat bran cereal again. There should be big DANGER or a WARNING sign on the box; kind of like there is on alcohol and cigarettes. In fact, I think BRAN may be more dangerous. I'm sure there have been more people wilted and almost totally asphyxiated when they were in proximity to someone who ate bran. And who knows how many car accidents may have been caused by someones abdomen swelling up and preventing the steering wheel from turning.

For me, I'm giving up on bran. It is just to dangerous.