Every January several of us meet in Southern CA to celebrate Mary’s birthday. Originally we were going to do this for each of our birthdays, but somehow we now just meet on Mary’s birthday.
In theory this is a celebration for all of us, but because we come only for Mary’s birthday, she demands complete control of the entire weekend. You see, Mary has that “first born syndrome”. You know, the syndrome many first borns have where they expect everyone around them to obey their every word. We usually ignore this behavior in Mary, except when it is her birthday. On that one day of the year we bite our tongue and allow her to present that domineering side of her personality and we shamefully keep our mouths shut. Sometimes we throw in sentences like “Yes, your majesty", or "No, your majesty”. We do this out of love and with lots of laughing. We hardly ever complain (OK, sometimes we complain but then she reminds us it is her birthday and it is just one f*cking day out of the year da*n it!, so we give in and allow her to boss us around.)
Soon it will be Mary’s birthday. I am preparing for our annual birthday retreat to Hollywood. Undoubtedly she will once again ask “When do I get to meet your kids?” I will give her the same answer I have given her each and every year; “NEVER!”
You see, I can’t take the risk she will ruin their lives. She has a way of making up tall tales with a great deal of exaggeration just to make me squirm or get a laugh. My children are still rather impressionable and I am afraid her stories would make me seem well, not very mother-like. I can’t risk having to give back my hard-earned mother-of-the-year award.
It is too much of a risk.
So I just tell my fam I’m visiting Mary in LA, and I’ll call if (or when) I need bail money.